Twenty years ago tonight, I asked Tara to marry me. I was supposed to wait for Valentine’s Day but I didn’t. It was a Friday night and we lived 500 miles apart. I drove from Columbia, Missouri. She drove from St. Paul. We met in Nevada, Iowa. I regularly took my scripts from Don Williams’ songs and “I spent my last ten dollars, bought her a second hand ring.”

I remember the feelings very well. To be near her, to express my love to her, to walk with her, talk to her; it’s all I wanted. For what I knew then, I loved her completely. Throughout our marriage times have come when those feelings surge. Each time a new high water mark for our love. Over the last few weeks, these feeling have again flooded me and this time the levy has broken. For what I know now, I love her completely. I cannot wait to grow old with her. One day I’ll say, “For what I knew then, I loved her completely.”

I have always dreaded gift giving, and tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I usually start feeling bad at least a week in advance of her birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s day, knowing I will fail at providing a gift. I often call my brother who is a great gift giver, just to get ideas. I did that today. His ideas were too hard so I just decided I would keep feeling bad. The surprise she will get tomorrow is a big dose of chemotherapy and being stuck in a hospital bed. She deserves a bit more than that, I know. But she has my heart.

After chemo tomorrow, we will have to stay one more night, maybe two. Tara is able to eat more every day, although it doesn’t always sit well. She is becoming more mobile to walk around and sit up on her own. She still hasn’t gotten rid of the chest tubes, which are so uncomfortable, but they will for sure be gone by the time we leave the hospital. We are told that the progress is good. God continues to be faithful in providing joy in the midst of this trial. We can’t wait to be home.

As as tree lover I am inspired by huge trees that defy the engineering laws which govern what humans can build. Massive cantilevered limbs projected horizontally for 50 feet or more without bracing. Over 350 feet of height that flexibly withstands all of natures forces. Roots extending out 2 to 3 times the height of the tree anchoring the giant structure and finding water and minerals for growth. All of the carbohydrates needed for its growth are created within its own structure; drawn from the soil, inhaled from the air, and catalyzed by the sun. And I could go on.

Trees silhouette the gospel story. In the garden at the fall of man. In the temple with the glory of God. In the stable, a manger of wood. On Calvary, nailed to the tree. In the end, the mercies of God (the Tree of Life).

Today we were told by the doctors that one of the main drugs which will be used in chemotherapy to treat Tara’s cancer is Taxol. How fitting that the very tool God is using to heal (hopefully) a tree-lover’s wife was derived from a tree (Pacific yew). God is again using a tree to bring about His glory. I pray that this tree will prove to be a tree of life in the Maier family.

Chemotherapy will likely start on Thursday before we are dismissed from the hospital. In the meantime Tara is eager to get her chest tubes out (one of which will be tomorrow). She is sleeping now; beautiful as ever; peaceful at last this day. My baby is bearing a load I wish she would never have to. What deep love and admiration I have for that woman.

Yesterday was an awesome day of recovery for Tara; but today was a miserable one. Nausea ruled the day. Medicine didn’t help. Sleep didn’t help. A comforting touch didn’t even help. Sitting, standing, lying down; none of these helped. Our minds were eased when told this is normal recovery for this type of surgery. But that didn’t make Tara more comfortable. When I asked if there was anything I could do to make her feel better, she said in tears “Just love on me. Tell me it will be okay.” So I reminded her of the promises of God using His words. It still hurt, but there was some peace.

We are upheld by the word and spirit of God and your prayers and encouragement; all of which regularly bring us to tears. When we think about the last 11 days we realize the significance of suffering in our walk with God. We have grown tremendously in these days. I have seen His power on display doing things in our lives I know we could never have done on our own. I am convinced of His presence and power more than ever.

It seems that in the world I know, I have spent resources that God has given me alleviating the very thing that could refine me and give me joy. We have a second car so getting around is not a hardship. We stockpile food in our pantry so there is no chance we will go hungry. We have sinks to provide clean water and power tools to make light work of big jobs. I know all of this stuff isn’t bad, but I do wonder how we would be different if we HAD to depend on the power of God more regularly.

In our first blog back on February 1 or 2, I mentioned we were in Haiti over Thanksgiving. I would be remiss not to mention something that impacted our lives, and was actually the first chapter of the life conversation we were just having. Shane and Kara Gauthier (and 5 kids) are part of The Paulos Group (http://www.paulosgroup.org/), near Fort Liberte, Haiti. The tagline of The Paulos Group is ‘proven and innovative solutions to poverty”. They are building modest yet quality homes that Haitians can afford and gain equity over time. This would be one great place to send some extra resources, instead of always providing extra comforts for ourselves.

Thank you all again for your prayers and encouragement. We love you all.

Tara had a great day today. She started eating and drinking a bit more, got her blood pressure up, and got up and walked around. Praise God for a good day on the heels of a discouraging one. You have sustained us again today God. Thank you.

I have found it fascinating to occasionally walk the hospital halls people-watching. I notice other patients and consider their situations. My thoughts turn to them and the thousands of other people in cancer treatment here. Each has a story similar to ours; an individual who is facing uncertainty, a painful surgery/treatment schedule, family who are deeply concerned yet trying to cope with the inconvenience of the illness and the burden of the business end of it.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg. There are thousands more hospitalized with other illnesses. And yet more with chronic illnesses not in treatment. And that is just sickness here in Rochester. What about the millions who are sick all over the world? And what about the countless who are impoverished, the widows, the orphans and those who are outcasts both here and worldwide.

James 2:14-26 speaks of the uselessness faith if it doesn’t result in works, or good deeds. Good deeds alone can’t earn you any favor with God because the bible tells us that we have favor with God by grace (undeserved favor) through faith in Jesus Christ. But our faith needs to produce some action expressed to the hurting people around us.

Your faith has expressed itself to us in your caring and encouraging hearts. How can we show our faith to others by meeting needs around us? Wouldn’t it be great if Rochester was not only known for the best medical care in the world, but also for the best physical and spiritual care; Christians who express the love of God for all hurting people? We would love to hear your ideas on how to do this.

Tara’s recovery is going okay. Progress was slower today than she wanted. I heard one of the physicians say that recovery is a bit like the stock market. There are ups and downs all the time but as long as overall you are moving in the right direction we should be happy.

I always like it when medical staff puts things in terms that I can understand. That is called layman’s terms, or lay terms. My 5 year old son is learning this at an early age. Yesterday he was able to put something he knows well into lay terms for one of our friends. As he picked a slimey bugger from his nose and ate it, this friend asked him, “What do buggers taste like? I wonder if I’d like them?” My son in his ability to communicate in lay terms asked, “Do you like ketchup?” The friend responded “No”. “Then you wouldn’t like buggers,” my son said.

With the significant loss of fluids during surgery, the continued loss of fluids through her chest tubes and through the peritoneal drain, and the fact that she cannot consume many fluids yet, Tara is needing to catch up with fluids through an IV. This will help her get her blood pressure up so she can stand up without fainting and start walking. She is also getting a bit nauseous when eating or drinking. In lay terms, surgery and cancer suck.

We are going to have short visiting hours again tomorrow if you really want to come see Tara. You can come between noon and 2 pm. Spend just a few minutes, give her hand a squeeze and talk to her without expecting a bunch of talking back. She is excited to see her friends but is easily tired and needs to save her strength for recovery. She is NOT offended (and even potentially relieved) if you save your visit for a few weeks and catch her at home. We read your comments daily so this is like a card of encouragement (without the expense) to us if you choose to send a quick note.

We love you all. Thanks for your prayers. God is faithful and we will praise him forever.

Friday is traditionally a great day for the Maier’s. It is the start of the weekend where we don’t have school or work. We typically make homemade pizza and sometimes watch a movie. Everyone in the family looks forward to what we call “Happy Friday”. This is the second Friday since Tara was diagnosed and it just wasn’t the same. We didn’t have much time with the kids. No pizza. No movie. We really missed that.

But Tara was able to sit and talk with a good friend tonight. They grew up next door to each other, roomed together in college and now both live in Rochester. The way she served Tara was special. It was consistent with the rest of her life through the years.

Consistency is key; when a friend can bless you in time of need and it is the same way they treat you when you are not in need; when our family can have Happy Friday’s even when there is sickness; when joy doesn’t depend on circumstances. The Maiers must get better at this. We need to base our joy on something that is unmovable. We have found Christ to be that rock in the past and need to cling to him now in our time of need. Psalm 40:1-2 says “I waited patiently for the Lord and he inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the slimy pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

Tara’s recovery from surgery is under way although the cancer journey still looms. We need your prayer support and your comments full of encouragement, funny stories and scripture. She still has some necessary tubes and some on-demand pain medications that help her cope. She is working on deep breathing to help her diaphragm heal, sometimes needing to sit up to make that happen. She was moved from ICU to regular care today. Pray for good sleep for her (and me as I slumber party with her each night). Pray for a sweet reunion with her kids that won’t wear her out. Pray for the will to get up and walk around despite the pain she feels. The quicker she recovers the quicker she gets to phase 2, chemotherapy. There is a long road ahead of us. We need to have a firm place to stand so that joy will be there all along. Christ is our rock.

Wow! What a day. The biggest one yet for Tara. She had a 6:30 check in at the hospital and an hour or so with me and two of her good friends before they took her off to prep for surgery. By 9:30 they were administering anesthesia and by 10:30 making the incision.

From sternum to pubic bone she was opened up by Dr. Gostout and her team. Removed was 7.5 liters of ascites (fluid from the cancer), a few girl parts that she no longer needs, multiple tumors and cancerous lymph nodes. Several lymph nodes were pressing on her aorta in her upper abdomen as well as some tucked under her liver. The skill and precision of the surgical team was on full display.

For 9 hours the surgery went on. Prayers ascended from every corner of the US (Florida, New York, Massachusetts, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Kansas, Iowa, New Mexico, and more) and as far away as Thailand. Tara came out of surgery and I got to see her briefly around 7:45, a precious kiss, then I saw her again around 9:45. This time I couldn’t get myself to leave. So now I sit on a recliner in her room, thanking God for bringing her through. And not just bringing her through, but doing it with tremendous hope. They were able to get more of the cancer than they anticipated, including the mass in her chest near her her lung. That was supposed to require another surgery in the future, but they were able to reach it through her diaphragm now.

Now it is time to heal. There is pain in each breath for now. Tubes in her chest and abdomen to drain fluid and ascites. Monitors connected and IVs set to administer the necessary drugs. God, please comfort my wife and sustain her.

God also sustained me through his spirit, a few close friends, and his word, which came alive again today through the encouragement of the readers of this blog who posted comments. Many of your comments are straight from scripture and that is so uplifting.

Many of you are wanting to help us in a tangible way. We are so honored by that. So here is what would mean the most to Tara and I. First, go love on your spouse and your children like you never have before. Use our experience as a lesson in your life. Second, go and give. Give blood. Give your time (taking your family with you) to serve at the Salvation Army, Next Chapter Ministries, Boys and Girls Club, your church, or anywhere else that will help someone else. Also give some of your money away. It really will be the most rewarding thing you can do with it.

When Andrean was a newborn we were doing some last minute Christmas shopping at Walmart on December 23 (bad start to a story I know). The biting cold and blowing snow were daunting and with 3 young kids (2, 1 and newborn) I decided to provide safe passage by dropping them off close to the door. This meant I would have to stop our van, let them out as quickly as possible and resume driving so as to minimally disturb the traffic flow.

Some guy pulled alongside me as I let them out and I naively lowered my window to hear what he was quite deliberately telling me. The words were embarrassing to me for my children to hear and it triggered my protector instincts. I followed the guy to his parking spot and was surprised to see him get out of the car wearing a Santa Clause hat. I don’t know what I expected to do, but all I could think to say as I walked up to him was “Santa Clause hats are for nice people”. I sincerely meant to be meaner. Kind of a swing and a miss, eh? That was just the burst of words that flowed from an emotion that I have since learned to recognize.

As a father and husband, I feel a need to protect my family from ANY harm. Rarely is this from physical harm, but if it is watch out. More often it is protection of innocence, or of self esteem, or inaccurate teaching that they need to be careful with. Other times it is protection of hurt feelings or from physical hardship.

Those emotions are here now and I cannot do much about it. My wife is going into surgery tomorrow and my strong urge is find a way to drop her off on the other side of this hardship or to say to the ones causing some pricks, cuts and pain “Hey you, scrubs are for nice people.” So God, I call on you, “Protect my wife. Be with my children”. I know we will continue finding joy in the midst of this suffering.

Tonight when praying together, my prayer kind of sounded like a preschooler trying to ask for something. But she prayed, “Father, consecrate me because I believe tomorrow you will be in that operating room and I am not worthy to be in your presence.” Man, what kind of a woman did I marry. Little did I know when the big game was being played she would be this clutch.

Nicely done my beautiful wife. You should be wearing the Santa Clause hat.

The analogy of the piece of straw that broke the camel’s back fascinates me. A camel is a large animal with a huge capacity to carry things, evidently this includes straw. I can picture the area right between the humps where I would start loading the straw. Now this is for 2-humped camels. A 1-humped camel would stack a bit differently, but the principle is the same.

I would probably start with bales and could easily get 6 on right away before the camel even felt that much weight. Then I would grab handfuls of straw and start tucking it in any corner or crevice and on top of the 6 bales; at least another 3 bales worth of handfuls. Eventually the camel’s back would start sagging. Now so far this makes sense. What gets me is how little each additional piece of straw weighs and recognizing that as I add it one by one, there actually is a point that the camel’s back would fail. I’m sure that if you gave it enough time, the back would fail even without any additional straw. So the phrase could be coined “the split second that broke the camel’s back”.

In any case there is a minute difference between breaking and not. We tread near that ground today but we have receded from it in the last hour. We were talked off the edge by words of God.

Isaiah 40:28-31

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

God is our strength and we trust him. We say this yet we pray that our heart will follow our tongue. We will continue to say what we know to be true. Truths from scripture. We are humbled to think that many people suffer much more than we do and many without hope. We have hope and joy, knowing that our savior Jesus has suffered more that we and has conquered death. We are far from the last straw.
___________________________________________________________

Tomorrow is Micalyn’s birthday. Thirteen years old. Wow! We want to make that an awesome day for her. We have a party planned for this weekend with women of influence in her life. They are coming from Kansas City, Arkansas, Iowa, and Minnesota to share with Micalyn life lessons from their own lives that will bless her. There will be some partying too. It breaks Tara’s heart that she will not be there, as she will be a day out of some major surgery. A friend will stay with Tara and will help her Facetime in to the party. The real impact of Tara’s life isn’t that night of the party. Rather is has been the steady, patient and godly love and care that she has given to Micalyn her entire 13 years.