Have you ever been somewhere and felt like someone was watching you? Or that you were supposed to be somewhere but forgot? Or you felt for your keys in your pocket and you briefly think, “Oh no, I locked my keys in the car!”, but then realize you had put them in a coat pocket. All those feelings are based on something that is not fact. They’re mind games. They affect your emotion for a brief time and then you get a sense of relief when you realize the truth.
I have had feelings over the last few weeks that give me that same uneasiness. I gasp for a moment and hope my mind is playing tricks on me. It is not as bad as the feeling of waking up thinking my reality was just a nightmare, which I have also done a time or two. Tara and I talk about our feelings often. We try to identify them, but do a poor job at it. When Tara learned of her condition, the way she described it was like looking at a huge mountain she had to climb and trying to figure out how to reach the summit. Its a sick-in-the-gut feeling of, “Oh crap, this is going to hurt.”
But we try not to rely on how we feel. Feelings can betray. We recognize that in our marriage; that love doesn’t always depend on how we feel about each other. We recognize that in our walk with God, that he is with us no matter how we feel. But truth never betrays. And the Bible is full of the truth that God has a plan for our family, He loves us, He chose to send us down this road, He will provide for us, He will comfort us, He will refine us.
The truth of our new life is slowly sinking in. We sat in a room earlier where others were also receiving chemotherapy. It kind of seemed normal in there. We are in “go mode” now and simply do the things we have to do. It is one step in front of the other on the trek up the huge mountain. This is how it will be. We cannot be in despair, or wish it away. We have to live well and bring glory to God in this season of our life.