Tara and I blog at night feeling like we’re telling our secrets, as if unaware people are following along. We try to be vulnerable and transparent, hiding nothing. But we have held out on a few conversations that have been too personal. Or maybe not too personal, rather not wanting to show our deepest fear, or be too negative.
The conversation about death came again tonight. We cannot go there often because it hurts too bad. I lose my breath every time I think about it. Pain and loss. But we have to have the discussion so we are not caught off guard. What would happen if the worst news came our way? How could we best spend Tara’s last days? Would we stay here or go somewhere together as a family to get away? Would we try every possible treatment or just enjoy her final days without punishing her body with treatments? How well would Lewis remember his mom? Would the girls be able to cope? How would Tara be remembered?
I want to lead my family courageously. But how can I if I am scared? Scared? Why now? Why should this be different than before cancer? It shouldn’t be. Heck, I might beat her to the grave. We should have realized our mortality a long time ago so we were living with the purpose of leaving a legacy for our children, for our family, our friends, our world. What purpose is all the stuff I have worked for if I have not done this? If I have not impacted people.
This conversation is not negative. Purpose is now our focus. Our purpose is becoming more clear. Life will not slip away on accident. It is not a conversation to have just when cancer strikes. We should have had this conversation all along. Like I have quoted in an earlier blog from the great prophet Braveheart, “Every man dies, but not every man really lives.”
So where do we go from here. We have purpose. Love God. Serve people (starting with our family). Care for creation. Our legacy will be……………