If it weren’t for having to do it, we wouldn’t be doing it. What choice do we really have? Here we are; Tara is in pain with shingles…and justifiably grumpy. I am tired of telling the same story over and over again of how we are doing okay. Are we? My kids need more of me and I don’t know if I have it to give. We are sick of having people in our home. Tara is tired of getting treated like an invalid. We are only doing what everyone else in the world could do in our situation; surviving, barely.
We just heard the Easter story at church tonight, and I don’t feel very moved. In fact I feel like going downstairs and watching a UFC fight or a movie with some senseless violence. I know, I know. It should be different. But that is where I am at right now.
The beautiful thing is that without moving from where we are; without a change of heart; without having to think some spiritual thought first; God is willing to love on us; all pissed off just like we are. Now that IS moving. Somehow the realization of total acceptance no matter how we feel or how we act, does change my heart. Slowly.
I remember several times at home when I was mad at something and Tara quietly loved on me. Humble and gentle. I could not stay mad. She won my favor. That is what God is now doing in my heart. No expectations. Humble and gentle. Quietly loving on me. Winning me back again to hope and joy. Maybe the Easter story tonight was more impactful than I thought. This is the crossroads of life and faith. It meets here.