Looking at pictures from 5 months ago is hard. Tara looked so much different in the pictures than now. I can remember the energy she had. She carried so much of the weight of the family; getting the kids places; keeping up with the finances; managing our calendars; training our children. Things that just don’t make her priority when she feels like crap.
As amazing as she was at those things then, I am most amazed by what she is able to do with the hand she has been dealt now. Her attitude continues to amaze me. Life has become more simple for her. Now is the time to be a good mom, not when she feels better. Now is the time to enjoy things.
On Friday we were given a good report on the cancer numbers. We are down to 13 on the CA125. Yeah! And other than yesterday, she has been feeling better. But it reality hit as the doctor discussed next steps. There are a lot of possibilities and uncertainties that we will have to deal with for a long time. We likely aren’t just going to get through chemo then look back at this as a great experience. It will continue to shape us (not define us) potentially for ever. So, learning from Tara, I have to learn how to take advantage of NOW. I can’t simply be the strategic planner, planning for 5 to 10 years out. My energy needs to go in to being a husband and father now.
As we laid in bed tonight I began to dread the week. I’ll have another week of catching up from the storm (man, I hate snow); going in early and getting home late. That effects her greatly. It really isn’t fair to her at all. For years, right or wrong, I had put most of my energy and emotion into the business, church and other stuff, knowing Tara had the home-front covered. That doesn’t work now, and maybe will never work again, because when I can finally figure out how to change to give my family what they really deserve from me, I will hopefully never go back.