Beaten

I was seventh on our line up and I could pretty easily count down their line up to find my opponent. And I did. But there was no way this guy was my size. He was a gorilla of an eighth grader. Muscles bulged out of him where they shouldn’t have. It made me sick to my stomach knowing I had to face him. “Coach, I don’t feel well today. Can I….”. “Sit down Maier. I see him too. You’ll be fine.”

My yellow lab once saw a great dane from 20 yards away. He squealed like he was hit by a car, rolled over and peed himself. Just because of the shear size of the other dog. I pretty much did the same thing. But I got on that mat anyway and I started out wrestling like I was already beaten. I all but rolled onto my back and nearly stuck my own shoulders to the mat. But I held out a bit, and as the match went on, I realized he couldn’t beat me. I think I could have actually won, had I not started out like I did.

This week has the danger of being that way for me. It is midnight. My alarm is set for 5:15. I am a bit mad at myself for having some work left that I had to get done before tomorrow. I feel beaten already. Tara will need me this week. How can I be there for her when I am already spent?

It is in these times that I can see God at work more. Or not really see Him at work, but I see the result of his work. Because I have already come to the end of what I have to offer for the week, and it hasn’t even started. And like every time this has happened before, at the end of what I have to offer, I find that we still have all we need. That is the miracle of the sustenance of God. Until we get here, with nothing left, we cannot experience that miracle.

But it sucks in the process. Like right now. I see an opponent that I cannot beat and it is so tempting to quit. God I trust you to come through again.

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5 thoughts on “Beaten

  1. Jay, I continue to pray for you and Tara and your family. We are friends with Mark and MC. I can see through your recent posts that this journey is wearing you down, and well it should….it would exhaust superman. I can also tell that you guys are doing everything you can to do this well, to be an example of intentional good crisis management. But sometimes the lesson is that you can’t. We lost a grown son to suicide in 2008 and as I look back over the year and a half immediately following, there are a lot of things we could have done better. When we were still in shock and dealing with the arrangements and our family and friends, it was easy, well, easy, considering the circumstances. When all of that was over and we had to go back to life and actually survive being splattered on the pavement by that Mack truck, it was not easy. I don’t remember much of that time. I survived, barely, by the grace of God. But here’s what I do remember, the long arm of our strong God reaching down to carry me, comfort me, hold me, pick me back up from the pits of despair and save me from myself over and over again. I didn’t do it well…but He did, and I wouldn’t go back and change it for the world. You don’t have to be superman (I know your brother would approach it the same way) sometimes you just need to suffer so you can experience His great salvation. Not the salvation of your soul from hell necessarily, but the salvation from the cares of this world, namely cancer, and seeing your sweet wife suffer, and worrying about Your precious children. He’s got this, really. And He has you too. Praying that His amazing grace will not just be sufficient , but will overwhelm you and your family to the extent that you look at one another and say “wow, my God is so good….I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!”

  2. “He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.” Isaiah 40:29

    Even though I could tell you that God has “got this” it doesn’t change the weariness….or your feelings of fear of being beaten. My prayer is that despite your weariness as you look at the upcoming week’s to list is that you give it all to Him, find hope in His strength, and that you are filled with peace….for whatever this week may bring.

    He’s got this.

    We continue to pray.

  3. Good morning Jay,

    It is hard to understand total dependence but your thoughts today give me a more clear scary understand. I need to give God more control of my life. That too is scary since I like the controls.
    Just want you to know our Faith E. prayer team is faithfully praying for all of you. It is so encouraging to me when I see them out and about through out the week and they ask how Tara and you are doing and how they can be praying more specifically. Praise God for His faithfulness. Love Uncle Gary and Aunt Barb.

  4. This reminds me so much of the story of Elijah, just after he announced the coming drought to Ahab in Israel. God sustained him for a while with a stream and food brought by ravens, but eventually even the stream dried up. God told Elijah to ask for bread and water from the widow, who herself was at the end of her rope. God promised to provide for the widow and her son as long as she provided for Elijah. There is nothing to suggest that there was a sudden, huge delivery of flour and oil to the widow’s home. Instead, “…there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the Lord spoken by Elijah.” Apparently, only the amount needed to sustain them every day appeared in the respective jars, at just the right time.
    Praising God for providing examples of His provision to those He loves. May you be sustained every day as only He can sustain.
    Peace and strength,
    Becca Murray

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