My parents instilled in me a love for marriage. As a young boy, I remember thinking about being married one day. I longed for it. I wanted to share my life with someone that I loved. As a middle schooler, I began praying for my wife. I strived for purity for my wife. I learned to work hard so I could provide for my wife. As I hear myself say all this, it seems so old fashioned. But I don’t care. Tara doesn’t either.
When I met Tara in college, The boyhood longing I had for a wife seemed to get lost, and all I felt was love. I wanted to spend time with her; to talk to her; to get to know her. Getting married was the furthest thing from my mind. I remember the day that I connected the dots. She could be the one. The one I had prayed for; the one I wanted to provide for; the one I saved myself for. It was an amazing day and life got richer.
I looked Tara in the eyes tonight and I reminded her again about all of this. She was silent. Not cold and emotionless. But not mushy with tears either. She heard it and understood it, but chose not to engage the conversation further. That is okay. I didn’t say it to evoke an emotion or response; simply to tell her how I still feel about her. It is hard for her right now to fully grasp how much I still love her; everything about her. She doesn’t feel lovable.
The beautiful weather today was really good for Tara. She sat outside much of the day, soaking in the sun. She cheerfully greeted several friends who stopped by to pick up or drop off kids. She interacted joyfully with kids. We got out early in the day together for a car ride. But she fought nausea again today. Especially later in the day, food didn’t sound too great, and laying in bed seemed to be the best relief. So she did exactly that from about 6 pm on.
Tomorrow begins a new week. Just like I looked forward to Tara as a middle schooler, before I knew her, I also look forward to her this week. I look forward to sharing my life with her, I pray for her, I want to provide for her, and so on. So this is my thought this evening as I lay beside the love of my life. She doesn’t feel lovable, but oh my is she wrong.