This road is becoming long and hard. Questions arise that we have not encountered before; or at least we haven’t admitted it until now. What is the purpose of this for our family? Is God making a difference? Is He even there? Will Tara ever get long-lasting relief? Will I be able to continue working at this pace all summer? Can I find any purpose in work?
Tara is accumulating fluid again and it is already uncomfortable. She has an appointment on Friday to get it drained immediately after chemo. That should last another 2 weeks until we are back at the same point. Will we ever be back to normal? We thought by now we would be looking back at this instead of being right in the middle of it; the hardest part emotionally.
So this safe place, our home, will continue to be a place for honest questions. And we won’t feel the need to find the answers right away. Maybe some will come in time. Some might be retrospective answers, that we learn after the fact. God is big enough to handle tough questions and He doesn’t necessarily feel the need to provide an urgent answer. He is even okay with doubt.
But I must reflect back to things I have seen with my own eyes, and I remember the things that bring convincing evidence to a power that is higher than me. A purpose greater than us. I think about what truly satisfies my soul. I look around at the life changes, in me and others around me. There is no doubt under this evidence. The things God has spoken in his book play out in life. It is true. So allow me to wonder where the heck he is…….because I can’t feel him right now. But I know I will look back and see him clearly caring for us as he has done always before.