This road is becoming long and hard. Questions arise that we have not encountered before; or at least we haven’t admitted it until now. What is the purpose of this for our family? Is God making a difference? Is He even there? Will Tara ever get long-lasting relief? Will I be able to continue working at this pace all summer? Can I find any purpose in work?

Tara is accumulating fluid again and it is already uncomfortable. She has an appointment on Friday to get it drained immediately after chemo. That should last another 2 weeks until we are back at the same point. Will we ever be back to normal? We thought by now we would be looking back at this instead of being right in the middle of it; the hardest part emotionally.

So this safe place, our home, will continue to be a place for honest questions. And we won’t feel the need to find the answers right away. Maybe some will come in time. Some might be retrospective answers, that we learn after the fact. God is big enough to handle tough questions and He doesn’t necessarily feel the need to provide an urgent answer. He is even okay with doubt.

But I must reflect back to things I have seen with my own eyes, and I remember the things that bring convincing evidence to a power that is higher than me. A purpose greater than us. I think about what truly satisfies my soul. I look around at the life changes, in me and others around me. There is no doubt under this evidence. The things God has spoken in his book play out in life. It is true. So allow me to wonder where the heck he is…….because I can’t feel him right now. But I know I will look back and see him clearly caring for us as he has done always before.


6 thoughts on “Questioning

  1. Continuing to pray for all of you. Know that although you may not feel God’s presence right now he is working through you and inspiring me and others everyday.

  2. I am reminded of Christ’s words: “never will I leave you nor forsake you.” Claim that promise today!! I am also reminded of the simple poem “footprints” “there are only one set of footprints; because it was then that I carried you.”
    Praying that you feel HIS presence!

  3. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
    In times of trouble, these words always bring me hope and peace. Praying for your family!

  4. Jay and Tara, know that in these troublesome times, He is setting you high upon a rock, safe within His reach. Wait for The Lord, be strong and take heart, this day then, and wait for The Lord. Praying for all of you.

  5. My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers

    Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow
    . . . what shall I say? ’Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. ’Father, glorify Your name’ —John 12:27-28
    As a saint of God, my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not from the hour, but out of the hour.
    We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them.
    Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.

  6. We continue to pray for your family daily. We are encouraged by your honesty, God is a big God and can handle all our questions. We are going through some big trials right now also. I question, this is God’s perfect plan for us?? Health issues, financial issues, college costs, the list goes on. But I know without a doubt by what is in his Word that He is sovereign, He loves us immensely, He gave His life for us, and will sustain us through it all! Now I wonder, what is He preparing us for? We WILL all look back and see His hand, the work He has done in our lives and then look forward to what he is preparing us for!

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