Early in marriage I would occasionally hold in frustration for a period of time. Finally I would realize how ridiculous that was and would unload on Tara. I felt much better, but then I looked over at her and she was not well. It was like I transferred all my misery right on to her. There have been other times that the very thing that relieves her stresses me or vise versa. Today was one of those days.

I hate snow. I detest it. If I could find a stronger word, I’d use it. It does nothing but depress me. It’s a mess and it makes my business lose money. I don’t mind cold. Let it freeze deep as far as I care but keep the snow away. I remember before I was in business and before I lived in Minnesota. Back then I was naive and enjoyed the snow. Now I couldn’t loathe something more.

Last night it snowed 10″+. Need I say more?

Tara tells me how the snow day was a blessing to her. It meant kids were home and she had good cuddles with them. Lunch was called in from Papa John’s and they watched a good movie while eating. She loved the time with them that the snow brought.

Now she is resting on her pillow with a smile, thinking on memories of the day. I’m on the other side of the bed with a headache, pillow resting on my head, frowning, trying to forget the day and the next few to come. She says that the blanket of white reminds her of how Jesus covers all her sins, making her white like snow. I say it has causes me to sin.

Once again I should learn from her. I’ll see if I can in the morning.

Today 2 of our kids went off skiing with a friend and her friend’s dad. Two more kids went to a friend’s house. I am so thankful for trusted friends who are an extension of Tara and I to our children. That’s how it’s been over the last 40 days. We haven’t been able to personally give our kids the same attention and opportunities as we did before. Others have helped.

What will our children remember of this time in their lives? Will they feel that we pushed them aside for something more important? Will they resent the fact that we could not do as many things with them of for them?

I asked Micalyn yesterday, “What is your favorite thing to do?” “Friends” she quickly stated. It wan’t what, it was who. I didn’t know how to feel about her answer. Maybe I was hoping to still hear, “Cuddle with you, Daddy.” I wish. And while I am thankful for her friends, I want Mic to value friendships with her siblings. I realize the days of being her hero are over. That is okay, but in context of what is happening in our lives, I have concern. I want Tara and I to continue to give all 5 of our children love, affection, spiritual guidance, life opportunity and stability.

The first 3 on that list will always be our key responsibilities. The fourth is one that we can facilitate and delegate to trusted friends and family. But the fifth, WOW! Whether Tara got cancer or not, we had to come to grips with the fact that we cannot be our children’s stability forever. We have given lip service to it since the day they were born. We have prepared them by pointing them to Jesus; praying that they encounter him personally. Psalm 40:3 is true for them as much as for Tara and I. “He set their feet upon a rock, giving them a firm place to stand.” This has forced us to let go a bit more.

Since January 30, we have prayed that this experience will be pivotal in our kids’ faith journey. The toll will accumulate and eventually they will have to ask themselves the hard questions. I pray fervently that each of them will have a firm place to stand when those questions come. That their feet will not be set on shifting sand. That they will seek sound, solid answers to their hard questions.

Saturday. That great day between the last day of the work week and the day before the first day of the work week. Why is there only one of those days each week? I really tried to make this one count. Tara started feeling weak from Thursday’s chemotherapy. Not horrible. Just weak. The kids had places to be, so I played taxi, and I loved every minute of it. I had time alone in the car with each of them. In between trips I came home, sat on the bed with Tara and we talked. We had several long gazes into each other’s eyes ended with an “I love you”.

Tara really wanted to go to church tonight but couldn’t muster the strength. I had a plan. I took my iPad and FaceTimed the entire worship service to her. She was able to participate from the comfort of her bed. It was dark in the bedroom where she was, and I could’t see her on my end of the iPad. I wondered if she was there and I texted her from my phone. The glow of her phone when the text arrived lit up her face and on the iPad I could see her. She is beautiful. I kept texting to light up her face…..again and again.

This is day 39. We are making it. God has given us strength and joy for this day. Tomorrow, I am confident there will be some for tomorrow. He has proven it 39 times.

When alone in the wilderness, without direction and with limited resources, conventional survival wisdom says to take care of your basic needs first. It would be tempting to try to find a way out before finding a good water source, or before making sure you have a place to get out of the elements, or to be able to protect yourself from wild animals. The goal is survival, but survival is pointless if you cannot get back to the ones you love.

Now you’re probably expecting me to make some spiritual point about this or tie it into our situation somehow. I am not. I was just thinking about the movie The Grey. It was a good movie, and a lot of people were eaten by wolves. When I think about it, I guess that is the point of this blog. What we are up against is far better than being eaten by wolves. I know right?

This was a pretty uneventful day. Tara got her hair cut shorter as it is thinning. She spent some sweet time with friends. The kids also got to hang out with friends. And to top it all off, I had a productive day of work. We are anticipating some tough time this weekend at some point with nausea. But maybe not. Its like preparing for a winter storm. that you aren’t sure will hit. Could be kind of fun just cuddling up in the house taking care of my baby, enjoying the kids. I just hope Tara can find some peace if the pain comes. She will I am certain.

But focusing on the basic needs first, not trying to find our way out of this wilderness today, we are in good shape……today. This particular day has been a day of great joy. Its unexplainable. Don’t ask me why. Thank you God.

I sometimes try to compare what I do to the work we are having done for us at the clinic. There is a lot to learn about business from the Mayo Clinic. Some good, and some not so good; anyone would have to admit. But the treatment end of things is top notch. Like chemotherapy for example. It is systematic, comfortable (as much as can be expected), informative, and pleasant. And man can they pump out production. That particular service has to be a money making machine.

We do chemotherapy of sorts at my work, only on trees. We protect large elms and oaks from diseases that would kill them and ash trees from deadly insects. We don’t quite have as many patients as the clinic, and we have to go to them since our patients are immobile. We dose our patients based on their DBH, which is diameter at breast height, 4.5′ above ground. Good thing they don’t dose patients that way at the clinic. My guess is that if they dosed Tara that way it would cost……well I should leave that one alone.

We are so thankful for our physicians and surgeons. I spoke much earlier about Dr. Gostout and her team who did the surgery. How crucial that thorough surgery was. We feel just as fortunate that we have Dr. Bible for our oncologist. This guy is perfect for the job. I think I mentioned earlier that we are also dealing with a tumor on Tara’s thyroid and some other enlarged lymph nodes up by her neck. Well, Dr. Bible is the only one of the oncologists who specialize in both ovarian and thyroid cancers. His expertise is critical for us.

Bible study with the kids was particularly special tonight. I needed to slow down and refocus as I was grumpy much of the afternoon. In our bedroom where our filter is broken and things just plop out the second they enter our minds, beauty was spoken; Through the mouths of my wife and children. Words of God along with honest questions. When will mom be able to do the things she used to do? How will mom get healed? (answered immediately by one of the kids, “the power of God”). What are the things that Jesus wants from us most? (answered with “brokenness, humility, kindness, selflessness, and a few more”). These are words of dependence, even weakness. Some say dependence is weakness. But I say with certainty, it is our strength.

Sleep well. We will.

Amy Stockton is a friend of ours who is organizing a team in support of Tara for the MN Ovarian Cancer Association fund raiser called Spring Fling Diva Run.  Amy does Moms on the Run here, which Tara has been involved with.  The following is a message from her that we wanted to get out to you.  The link at the bottom will direct you to the order form.   

From Amy – “Please come out and support Tara Maier at this years Spring Fling Diva Run for MOCA on April 28th, 2013. Tara ran with Moms On The Run last summer and fall.  We want to get as many women as possible together to participate in this race in her honor!  This is an all women’s run or walk, but bring the whole family out and help raise awareness for ovarian cancer.  Lets show Tara how much we LOVE her!  Join “Team Tara” with us!”

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1VI8LpSZCiXfbiGcjqqCTdQYVIJpQnWrgNMAZ0OPjY9Y/viewform

Okay, back home after a little hick up at the hospital. Fluid was drawn from 2 pockets in her abdomen. The general opinion was positive. One pocket was just fluid; maybe some post-operative drainage. The other was lymph drainage and other fluid likely from the cancer. This fluid had stopped after the first treatment with the Platinum and Taxol. So they are skipping the Taxol only treatment that was supposed to happen yesterday and they’ll hit her with the double dose tomorrow. This is actually good……I think. One thing we KNOW was good was that in the CT scan, the lung area was clear; free of any visible tumors.

Andrean came in to cuddle with Tara when she got home. It was a sweet time with mommy and the self-proclaimed “middlest” child. I was a fly on the other side of the bed. Andy told Tara, “Mom, I wish you had energy to come outside and play with me.” I knew that hurt Tara, and it was confirmed later in the evening when we had time to talk. Tara has another goal. It is beautiful for me to see the kids loving on Tara, each in their own way. The excitement in their voices said it all when she got home.

We were covered with prayers and encouragement today. Friendships are for a time such as this. Emails, comments on the blog, phone calls, texts, visits, lunch with friend. All in a time where we needed to be picked up.

So now it is time for sleep. Wait, just a few more cuddles from the oldest girls. Maybe a back rub? Got it.

I date myself a bit by talking about this memory, but at the roller rink, one of my favorite things was the limbo. That reggae voice was awesome, “Do the limbo now..” I would get into it with my swag. 6’2″ tall and 140 pounds looked pretty good in roller skates. And I could get pretty low, with the one leg cocked out to the right and my tummy scrunched down, sometimes I would be one of the last ones in the game.

We started round 3 today. But my optimism is being tested. If I told you that all went well, I would be lying. Last night Tara was up with significant pain in her abdomen and literally didn’t sleep a wink. To make a long story short, the “round 3” that I am referring to isn’t chemotherapy. We are getting a third not-so-complimentary stay at the Hotel Eisenberg.

The fluid in her abdomen started growing noticeably over the last 48 hours. There are a number of possible reasons, none of them that good. Bowel obstruction? Whoohoo! More fluid from cancer? Booooo! Post-operative drainage? Can we be done with that already? Tomorrow they will draw some fluid out to relieve the pressure and test the fluid to understand what is causing it.

So we are in limbo again. Not the limbo that I like and wish I could do again at the roller rink. But the limbo that means we don’t know a stinking thing and we can’t make any decision until other things are figured out.

We are saying it this time with some sense that our heart will have to follow our words, but we do trust that God will sustain us. We look to him daily and will continue forever.

The kids are hoping school gets snowed out tomorrow. I remember those days. It is almost better than a 3-day weekend. Can chemo get snowed out? If it doesn’t, then round 3 will happen tomorrow as scheduled. The last time in I took some things to work on and after focusing on that stuff for an hour or so, Tara said, “Don’t take offense to this, but seeing as how you are busy, I think next time I’ll have one of my friends come sit with me so we can talk.” She wasn’t being mean, just understanding. But it hit me. It was a reminder that I am still the same old me. Even after all that we have been through and the things I thought I had learned once and for all, I still struggle.

The reality of it is that life will go on, often exactly as it was. Both good and bad. We’ll still have to plan time together. We’ll still argue. I’ll still work too long at times to try to stay on top of the game. But it will still require hard work, and it will be important, to be excellent at what we do. We’ll struggle to find daily time in the word and prayer. We’ll forget how much we love each other, and then we’ll remember again. We will need constant encouragement and discipline to maintain where God has brought us. We will need the spirit to move fresh in us once again. I pray that it won’t take additional trials.

So we’ll take what we can get, when we can get it. Like today, Tara said, “Let’s go see the Lost Medallion this evening with the family.” So we did it. We had the theatre to ourselves and the movie was great. I don’t think I would have done that a month ago. So use this little example to learn from us stubborn fools; love on your families, impact people around you. And you can’t drop everything to do it. Life goes on.

What a beautiful day. Or so it seems from looking out the window. The sun on our faces is warm through the glass and that is about as close as we’ll get for the rest of the day. But we did get out this morning for a date at the Honker. It reminded us of days before cancer, only a month ago, but seemingly years ago. Saturday used to be that day WAY back then. But today is Sunday and that works too.

We are trying to assess which changes in our lives will be permanent and which are temporary. Obviously we will be fixing our own meals and cleaning our own house at some point in the near future. So that change is temporary (but what a blessing that is). We’ll also get back to serving at Next Chapter, worship team, Saturday evening youth activities and some of the other things we do individually. That change is also temporary, but potentially we will never be as busy as we were.

The permanent changes are deep seated. We may not have encountered God like Moses, Saul or Isaiah, with bright lights and overwhelmingly holy presence. But in a much, lesser way, we may be encountering him like Job did, and our reaction should be the same. Who are we to question God, who is perfect in all intentions and deeds? He knows everything and works it all for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes. The encounters with God throughout scripture are marked by changed lives and a purpose to go tell others about what he has done.