True story. Tara accelerated forward unaware of the people on either side of her. Turning a corner she swiped a stand causing the store employee to move quickly then pick up after her once she passed. At each turn I held my breath as she seemed not to care about the vehicle she was in or the consequences of her mistakes. I kept looking behind us, expecting to have the authorities step in, but only catching brief glances of concerned people. She came to a dead end, what I thought could have ended it, right then and there. But nay nay, she threw it into reverse hitting another stand, making me grunt in disgust. I didn’t think we had insurance for this and it was starting to concern me. Finally she pulled the electric wheel chair cart back up to where we got it. I was relieved she was done.

Despite that, it was a great day. Tara wanted to venture out to the mall so we did (the scenes above took place in a number of unnamed stores there). The kids hung out with us, tried on some clothes, bought a fraction of what was tried on and then we capped it off with a HuHot lunch. You can tell that Tara is doing much better. Tonight we are even going to church and Tara is really excited to worship with her community.

Your prayers and thoughtfulness continue to bless us. Daily we get cards of encouragement in the mail and comments on the blog. Thank you for lifting us up in prayer to the one who sustains us.

There is a pattern that comes with injury. Usually it starts with an accident, typically by a man, but not always. Improper use of knives or power tools have taken their toll on most of our type, including me. And while most men haven’t found themselves in a choke hold, if they had, they would have also yanked their head our with enough force to detach their ear. So I can count that as a common injury as well. And there is much worse which I hope to never experience.

After the accident there is pain. This is when the toughness you pride yourself in suddenly seems senseless. You just want the pain go away and would do anything to stop it. Some men scream “Stop it!”, like my ex-friend did on the high school wrestling mat. Others faint. Some cry or yell profanities. Others jump to their death to avoid more of it. Tough doesn’t matter at that point. Just get rid of the pain. Numb it or something.

After the wound is patched, however bad it may be, the stories begin, and are told over and over, dozens of times, of how the pain was bravely overcome and ……… well the details always seem to get fuzzy. The scar becomes a badge of honor that we men wear proudly.

The details of our story will not get fuzzy to me for a long time. In fact, I’m still trying to figure out what part of the story we are in. I know we have already been cut because I remember the pain. I also know someone must have numbed us because even though we are in the midst of it, we often speak of it without emotion now, as if speaking in third person. People regularly ask, “How are you doing?” As far as we know we are doing okay. That is a hard question to answer. There certainly will be no tales of heroics in this story. And the scar of this wound will be changed lives, and we will wear that as a badge of honor.

Maybe it is peace, rather than numbness. We see healing happening. Daily, Tara is getting stronger, eating better, drinking more, and sleeping…well.. so-so. But we confidently say that God can prove his faithfulness in a number of outcomes, not all involving healing. In fact he IS proving his faithfulness to us daily. But he really doesn’t even need to prove it. God IS faithful. He IS just. He IS everlasting, and the 80 years or so we worry about so much in this life are a flash of time compared to eternity. “Every man dies, but not every man really lives.” said the prophet in Braveheart 4:13.

We are back in the routine of life; me at work, Tara at home, kids in school. Kind of seems normal again, only with scars. This time around we are going to do extra to make it count.

Tara has turned the corner in her recovery from surgery. All week she has been able to eat well, get enough liquids, and has been up and around the house. Her abdomen is feeling much better and on Tuesday the medicine man had to give her a warning not to start exercising as she suggested she might try.

Chemotherapy was more than 48 hours ago and if she was going to feel nauseous from it, it would have already happened. The regiment they are using is new to the U.S. (research done in Japan) and instead of doing the entire dose of Taxol and Platinum every three weeks, she gets the Platinum every three weeks and the Taxol every week. The Platinum is what made her feel so sick last time around. This time around was just the Taxol.

Help at home has been from my parents this week. Next week it will be Tara’s. It is a blessing that they have taken the initiative to disappear before I come home so the seven of us can be a family. I don’t even know they have been around other than the fingerprints of selfless serving; a wife that is rested, not drained, and kids who are happy.

Tomorrow night Tara will try to go to the Tenth Avenue North concert. She has been looking forward to this for a long time. While she may not make the entire show, it will do her heart good to try.

We are continuing to pray for complete healing in Tara’s body. But we say it again, every day, that we trust God. He has given us every reason to.

Jenna is sitting here rubbing my head as I write tonight. Tara laying beside me sleeping. Micalyn and Esther are off at church activities. Andrean in the next room recovering from a cold. Lewis lying on the floor by my feet, petting the dog. This seems to sum up the average night here at the Maier home. It is beautiful. A month ago it seemed like a wasted evening that we could have been doing something productive.

I am realizing the impact of ‘presence’, simply being with my family. Not necessarily playing games, talking about something important, meeting their physical needs, training or other things like that, although those are great. Its just being together. It fulfills a critical need in our relationships.

The same is true in our relationship with God. Tara and I are most moved simply by his presence. Sure, we want him to answer our prayers. But being near him is what sustains our souls. Sometimes this involves a conversation with him, by reading his words; like reading the old love letters that Tara keeps in a box, reminding me of love and faithfulness. And by talking to him; like unloading our thoughts on each other at the end of a long day. The sweetness of this love relationship with God is intimate and sustains us. It gives us something to be excited about; like when we were first in love. It is our waking thought and most beautiful dream.

But the busyness of life causes us to lose focus and we often don’t get enough time like this, with each other or God. This defining moment in our life has helped us to do better. But as time wears on it will be a challenge again.

Have you ever been somewhere and felt like someone was watching you? Or that you were supposed to be somewhere but forgot? Or you felt for your keys in your pocket and you briefly think, “Oh no, I locked my keys in the car!”, but then realize you had put them in a coat pocket. All those feelings are based on something that is not fact. They’re mind games. They affect your emotion for a brief time and then you get a sense of relief when you realize the truth.

I have had feelings over the last few weeks that give me that same uneasiness. I gasp for a moment and hope my mind is playing tricks on me. It is not as bad as the feeling of waking up thinking my reality was just a nightmare, which I have also done a time or two. Tara and I talk about our feelings often. We try to identify them, but do a poor job at it. When Tara learned of her condition, the way she described it was like looking at a huge mountain she had to climb and trying to figure out how to reach the summit. Its a sick-in-the-gut feeling of, “Oh crap, this is going to hurt.”

But we try not to rely on how we feel. Feelings can betray. We recognize that in our marriage; that love doesn’t always depend on how we feel about each other. We recognize that in our walk with God, that he is with us no matter how we feel. But truth never betrays. And the Bible is full of the truth that God has a plan for our family, He loves us, He chose to send us down this road, He will provide for us, He will comfort us, He will refine us.

The truth of our new life is slowly sinking in. We sat in a room earlier where others were also receiving chemotherapy. It kind of seemed normal in there. We are in “go mode” now and simply do the things we have to do. It is one step in front of the other on the trek up the huge mountain. This is how it will be. We cannot be in despair, or wish it away. We have to live well and bring glory to God in this season of our life.

Round 2 Underway. This time just Taxol (the tree drug). Side effects not as painful this time around. Shouldn’t involve nausea…..yeah!

One of my favorite Bible characters is Samson. Samson was granted supernatural strength by God in order to combat his enemies and perform heroic feats such as wrestling a lion, slaying an entire army with only the jawbone of an ass, and destroying a pagan temple. Samson had two vulnerabilities, however: his attraction to untrustworthy women and his hair, without which he was powerless. These vulnerabilities ultimately proved fatal for him. I am embarrassed to say this is a Wikipedia summary. Who would have known I would study the Bible with Wikipedia.

My hairstyle is pretty much set for me now, as I am opposed to bed heads and refuse to fix it. It leaves me only one option. Hair often identifies people. But it is overrated in Tara’s and my opinion. It is just stuff on our body that takes away resources from other things we would rather be doing. I guess it is kind of like cancer in that regard. No offense to those of you who love your hair.

Tonight Tara got rid of much of her hair in anticipation of losing it. We went to the south Fantastic Sam’s, where we always go. When we walked in, we realized the Spirit of God had prepared the way. The hairdresser knew Tara’s situation and the reason for the haircut. She courageously asked if she could pray for Tara before the haircut. So with all our kids there the hairdresser prayed for Tara and our family.

But unlike Samson who lost his supernatural strength when cutting his hair, Tara seems to be gaining supernatural strength. We are gearing up for round two of chemo tomorrow. Her body is thin and week, but her spirit is strong. She has had good days leading up to now. Sleep hasn’t been great but okay; her body not painless, but manageable; her mind not discouraged, but hopeful. She is ready for the next round.

She is sleeping now and that does my heart good. I am typing in an awkward position because she is laying against my arm. There is no chance that I’ll move her. I love this. God thank you for keeping us hopeful during this time. Though our crying may last for the night, the joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). Lord, You are good and your mercies are everlasting….and your love endures forever (Psalm 100:5).

In the summer after my eighth grade year a friend and I started survival camping. We didn’t call it that at the time as we were simply going on an adventure. With no training and limited warnings, we were dropped off by my father at the I-435 bridge over the Missouri River or on some train tracks out in Leavenworth and we would make it for the weekend using just a survival knife and canteen. I am eternally grateful to my dad for doing this although conventional wisdom would scream “DON’T DO THAT.”

I remember being short of water on every adventure. We typically had one canteen between us. We regularly went a day or two without any water at all. You cultured folks may remember the Three Amigos canteen scene? What a great picture of the desperation for water.

A human body needs about 3 liters of water daily to function well and can only go only a week or so without any at all. Things like sweating, peeing, diarrhea and vomiting all are sources of water loss and will contribute to dehydration. I love using those words now that I am a caregiver to Tara.

Tara has struggled staying hydrated. We took her in today for a scheduled IV; nearly 2 liters. It wasn’t a surprise. We just did it to stay on top of things. Otherwise she has felt pretty good.

Jesus used water in his ministry. He turned it into wine, showing his power over creation. When meeting a Samaritan woman as she was getting a drink, Jesus also asked her for one, and went on to tell her of a living water where she would never thirst again (referring to the salvation he offered). And he used water in representing his death, burial and resurrection in baptism, and called on all of us to follow him in that symbolic sacrament.

Water has always been key to physical and spiritual life, and now it is key to Tara’s life.

I reflected back at the first few days of our journey; the things I had been thankful for; the scripture that came alive. I continue to catch glimpses of how God is using this. We are humbled to hear people say they are following the blog. We find it a useful tool from the practical sense as it reduces the phone calls of people wondering how Tara is doing. But it is being used far more than that.

On the day Tara was diagnosed the scripture that we first turned to was Psalm 40:1-3. We wrote it out as our very first post and we have brought it up several times since then. It is our constant reminder of God in this trial. It was what inspired us to do the blog (so that many would see and hear about what God is doing).

“I waited patiently for the Lord, and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire.
And he set my feet on a rock and made my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”

God is using this situation in our lives to make known His goodness. And many are seeing it. It is not anything we wanted or planned to deal with. It has hurt us deeply and is in the process of changing us, just like Tara’s surgery hurt her to heal her. I hope that this also impacts you and leaves you changed. I hope it challenges your status quo and causes you to re-think your priorities; to live outside of yourself; to do more with the life that God has given to you.

This was a great day for Tara. No nausea all day! She consumed the right amount of food and liquids. I bailed on the first shot to her leg, and had to call in an expert. Tomorrow morning I’ll get it. It should be the exact same as the orange I practiced on, right?

Tara ventured out to Esther’s basketball game this morning. Although exhausting, it refreshed her spirits to cheer for her daughter. When resting at home, the kids wandered in and out of the bedroom all day just wanting to see mom or ask her questions just like the old days. There were at least 10,000 claps and poundings of cups on the table as the cup song was rehearsed over and over…..and over. I joined in because it sounded fun.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We love you.